STRUGGLES OF MENTAL ILLNESS

I HAD TO COME POST THIS THIS CAUSE I AM SURE SOME CAN RELATE I KEEP HAVING DREAMS WITH THE SAME THEME AND I CANT FIGHT MY THOUGHTS THAT ARE ALREADY A STRUGGLE TO HOLD BACK BECAUSE THE MORE I GO WITH THEM THE MORE I FIND THAT THERE IS TRUTH TO THE VIBES I READ ON PEOPLE AND THE THOUGHTS I HAVE. I READ CARDS AND THEY HAVE PROVEN TO BE TRUE MOST TIMES I CALL THINGS BEFORE THEY HAPPEN IF I WAS COMPLETELY WRONG THE STRUGGLE WOULD BE OVER  BUT THAT'S NOT THE CASE THE MORE I IGNORE THINGS THE HARDER THEY HIT ME I COULD GO ON AND ON WITH EXAMPLES BUT I REALLY JUST WANT TO PUSH IT SO FAR AWAY ITS LIKE CARRYING BAGS OF BRICKS HAVING THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD ON YOUR SHOULDERS WHEN I SEE SOMEONE AND THEY SPEAK TO ME I GET A FLOOD OF BULL JUST VIBES HARD TO EXPLAIN I THINK WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I DEVELOPED THIS MY THERAPIST THINKS SO ALSO BUT I USED TO BE ABLE TO TELL IF SOMEONE WOULD TRY TO MOLEST ME OR NOT THIS WAS A DEFENSE I DEVELOPED IT WAS MORE KEEN AS A CHILD I NOTICED AS AN ADULT I CHOSE TO PUSH AWAY AND BECOME ANGRY AT THE SENSES I HAD OR HAVE AND CERTAIN THINGS CAN BLIND U TO THE TRUTH ANYWAY I KEEP HAVING DREAMS THAT IM PREGNANT THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MY MIND IS DEATH BECAUSE TO ME NEW LIFE MEANS DEATH  OF WHO I DONT KNOW BUT IT HAS TO BE SOMEONE CLOSE I HAD A DREAM THAT SOMEONE WAS SPEAKING TO ME AND HE SAID YES YOU ARE ALL SICK (ME AND MY KIDS )BUT THE DIFFERENCE IS U WILL FIND OUT U ARE PREGNANT I JUMPED UP FROM THAT DREAM I TOLD ONE PERSON I THOUGHT IT MEANT MY DEATH SO THAT SAME NIGHT EVEN THOUGH I DIDNT THINK I WAS PREGNANT I TOOK A TEST IT WAS NEGATIVE THE NEXT MORNING I HAD A DREAM SHOWING ME TAKING A TEST FROM A CUP BUT I REMEMBER SOMETHING ABOUT MY ELDEST SON IN THE DREAM LIKE MAYBE HE WAS THE ONE WHO HAD SOMEONE PREGNANT I ASKED HIM HE SAID NO  SO I STRUGGLE AND WONDER WHAT DOES THIS DREAM  MEAN .........I CAN SAY..... THAT SOMEONE DID DIE RIGHT AFTER MY FIRST DREAM MY KIDS FATHER BROTHER INLAW AS SOON AS I WOKE FROM THE DREAM I GOT THAT CALL HE COULD NOT GET THE KIDS BUT NO THAT'S JUST TO FAR OF A SEPARATION ....AND I DIDN'T KNOW HIM..... BUT WHAT I CAN DO AND WILL DO IS PRAY FOR A DREAM OF CLARITY I WILL TONIGHT IT WORKS MOST TIMES BUT WHO KNOWS LOOK SO NORMAL ON THE OUTSIDE BUT STRUGGLE IS REAL INTERNALLY KEEP PUSHING ! ALL I CAN DO