How to love

How can you love,If you never learned how to love? Growing up i rarely heard the words i love you. i never felt loved as a child the strange thing is my grandfather treated me as if he loved me but it was fake just a manipulation to keep me from telling what he was doing to me he was one of many to hurt me as a child talk about screwed up and twisted  so how do u learn to love when the only time you thought someone loved you was not true and very harmful as a grown women  i still feel like that kid that seems to attract harmful love and unable to walk away from things that hurt me looking for the love i never got as a kid i could be in a relationship that i know is not good for me i may cry and hurt more then i feel joy in  the beginning it may seem ok but not good there would be clear signs that he was not what i needed or wanted in my life he could do hurtful things early so  i should walk away ......right ...to save myself the pain nope not me here i am 4 years later so damaged i don't even know who i am any more then i think to myself do i love me? if i truly did i would not allow myself to stay this long the mental abuse is so deep and has gone on for so long i started to believe the things he says its crazy because if he was to ever raise his hand to me i would leave i seen my mom get hit so for  me its much easier to decipher i have loved 3 times in my life my first love beat me it didn't last long  so much i need to relearn all part of changing my life learning how to love .....me that is till next time

Real ghost sighting�

looking for love but lost myself

The First step

dreaming of a better thinner me

the goal of everything is to get to the core of the problem the cause and effect the side effects seem to be emotional binge eating , social awkwardness ,excessive over thinking these are the ones i mentioned because they seem to be the ones that make me the most unhappy  other sides  effect that i don't mind or are mild and easier to decipher are mild hallucinations when i dissociate and lose time forgetfulness  delusional thoughts that may or may not be delusions because sometime these thoughts are right more right then wrong but easily ignored and always ignored to keep me some what sane i dream that dealing with these will help me get that thinner happier me hiding under all the fat that was put there as protection

steps to a better life

I attended therapy today. It was good for the soul. I had so much i wanted to get off my mind. Something we talked about keeps ringing in my head. she asked me if i have ever felt safe ,do i have a safe place to go in my mind when feelings of the past comes up that i could think about to soothe my mind i had to think long and hard i realized i have never felt safe not even as an adult i did come up with one time i was at the beach and i felt relaxed but looking back on my life i couldn't help but remember  that as early as 12yrs old. I would lock my door in fear that my step dad and my mom would or was potting to kill me he treated me so bad and she allowed it i thought in my head they wanted me gone and didn't trust that they wouldn't do anything to make it happen also didn't help much that one time my step dad put bleach in something i was cooking and my mother banged on my door because it was always locked yelling at me saying did i put bleach in the peanuts i was boiling ....ah yea she was in denial later said it was a joke but for me already afraid for my life didnt find funny at all for years after i lived on my own i used to sleep with a knife under my pillow even tho the immediate  danger was over my mind was not able to let go of the fear and sometimes not often i still do tuck a knife close by. I think next session i will work on letting the fear go.

one and zero depression in the lead

i wish there was a checklist to pull myself from this deep depression that i have found myself in i keep telling myself if i just sleep all day i wont feel so tired and i tell myself if i just stop talking to people the anxiety wont be there anymore of course its not true i look around and realize i been doing a lot of sleeping and i'm all alone because i have shut everyone one out but i seem to be going deeper into the depressed state of mind over thinking every single interaction with anyone no matter how small there is no checklist but i can start off by getting out more maybe lets see how that works out