steps to a better life

I attended therapy today. It was good for the soul. I had so much i wanted to get off my mind. Something we talked about keeps ringing in my head. she asked me if i have ever felt safe ,do i have a safe place to go in my mind when feelings of the past comes up that i could think about to soothe my mind i had to think long and hard i realized i have never felt safe not even as an adult i did come up with one time i was at the beach and i felt relaxed but looking back on my life i couldn't help but remember  that as early as 12yrs old. I would lock my door in fear that my step dad and my mom would or was potting to kill me he treated me so bad and she allowed it i thought in my head they wanted me gone and didn't trust that they wouldn't do anything to make it happen also didn't help much that one time my step dad put bleach in something i was cooking and my mother banged on my door because it was always locked yelling at me saying did i put bleach in the peanuts i was boiling ....ah yea she was in denial later said it was a joke but for me already afraid for my life didnt find funny at all for years after i lived on my own i used to sleep with a knife under my pillow even tho the immediate  danger was over my mind was not able to let go of the fear and sometimes not often i still do tuck a knife close by. I think next session i will work on letting the fear go.