STRUGGLES OF MENTAL ILLNESS

I HAD TO COME POST THIS THIS CAUSE I AM SURE SOME CAN RELATE I KEEP HAVING DREAMS WITH THE SAME THEME AND I CANT FIGHT MY THOUGHTS THAT ARE ALREADY A STRUGGLE TO HOLD BACK BECAUSE THE MORE I GO WITH THEM THE MORE I FIND THAT THERE IS TRUTH TO THE VIBES I READ ON PEOPLE AND THE THOUGHTS I HAVE. I READ CARDS AND THEY HAVE PROVEN TO BE TRUE MOST TIMES I CALL THINGS BEFORE THEY HAPPEN IF I WAS COMPLETELY WRONG THE STRUGGLE WOULD BE OVER  BUT THAT'S NOT THE CASE THE MORE I IGNORE THINGS THE HARDER THEY HIT ME I COULD GO ON AND ON WITH EXAMPLES BUT I REALLY JUST WANT TO PUSH IT SO FAR AWAY ITS LIKE CARRYING BAGS OF BRICKS HAVING THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD ON YOUR SHOULDERS WHEN I SEE SOMEONE AND THEY SPEAK TO ME I GET A FLOOD OF BULL JUST VIBES HARD TO EXPLAIN I THINK WHEN I WAS YOUNGER I DEVELOPED THIS MY THERAPIST THINKS SO ALSO BUT I USED TO BE ABLE TO TELL IF SOMEONE WOULD TRY TO MOLEST ME OR NOT THIS WAS A DEFENSE I DEVELOPED IT WAS MORE KEEN AS A CHILD I NOTICED AS AN ADULT I CHOSE TO PUSH AWAY AND BECOME ANGRY AT THE SENSES I HAD OR HAVE AND CERTAIN THINGS CAN BLIND U TO THE TRUTH ANYWAY I KEEP HAVING DREAMS THAT IM PREGNANT THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MY MIND IS DEATH BECAUSE TO ME NEW LIFE MEANS DEATH  OF WHO I DONT KNOW BUT IT HAS TO BE SOMEONE CLOSE I HAD A DREAM THAT SOMEONE WAS SPEAKING TO ME AND HE SAID YES YOU ARE ALL SICK (ME AND MY KIDS )BUT THE DIFFERENCE IS U WILL FIND OUT U ARE PREGNANT I JUMPED UP FROM THAT DREAM I TOLD ONE PERSON I THOUGHT IT MEANT MY DEATH SO THAT SAME NIGHT EVEN THOUGH I DIDNT THINK I WAS PREGNANT I TOOK A TEST IT WAS NEGATIVE THE NEXT MORNING I HAD A DREAM SHOWING ME TAKING A TEST FROM A CUP BUT I REMEMBER SOMETHING ABOUT MY ELDEST SON IN THE DREAM LIKE MAYBE HE WAS THE ONE WHO HAD SOMEONE PREGNANT I ASKED HIM HE SAID NO  SO I STRUGGLE AND WONDER WHAT DOES THIS DREAM  MEAN .........I CAN SAY..... THAT SOMEONE DID DIE RIGHT AFTER MY FIRST DREAM MY KIDS FATHER BROTHER INLAW AS SOON AS I WOKE FROM THE DREAM I GOT THAT CALL HE COULD NOT GET THE KIDS BUT NO THAT'S JUST TO FAR OF A SEPARATION ....AND I DIDN'T KNOW HIM..... BUT WHAT I CAN DO AND WILL DO IS PRAY FOR A DREAM OF CLARITY I WILL TONIGHT IT WORKS MOST TIMES BUT WHO KNOWS LOOK SO NORMAL ON THE OUTSIDE BUT STRUGGLE IS REAL INTERNALLY KEEP PUSHING ! ALL I CAN DO

HOLD ON KEEP BREATHING

heart break.... but already so broken some days you just feel like your so tired you don't know if u have the strength to take your next breath yelling out loud i cant breath tears come on suddenly from no where pain so deep you cant  find the source so much to do in life.......but dont know where to start lost......confused and hurt you ask yourself what am i feeling why am i feeling it why are my dreams so much better then this life wishing u could just sleep and dream forever but then something happens your child smiles and tell u they love u or  a random act of kindness gives u a small glimmer of hope or your dreams tell you to hold on and u do hold on another day and u realize your yesterday wasn't as bad as your thoughts made it out to be just hold on cause this too shall pass i know it seems like it wont but trust me no pain is forever ......i hope i always remember this sometimes we tend to forget and get caught up in the moment think it out and give it time ....MY NOTE TO SELF  

SINCERELY LOVE ME

dark places

i thought i was in a good place but oh my i missed my meds for a week and instantly i can feel the difference depression starts to set in  that hopeless helpless feeling comes on got my refill of meds yesterday hopefully things start to look up i notice its much harder to control my eating when i am feeling low but trying to keep myself busy and my mind off of food hope this passes quickly pray for me

loving me

i have been in such a good place lately i have begun to take care of me learning to love me i am completely out and away from the things that are toxic for me day four of healthy eating small changes been going to the gym  for some time now bought some clothes mostly for working out and comfort but the point is i am taking care of shantay for once my mind feels so clear finally made up my mind to take it one day at a time  

mean people

This world we live, in this day and age of the internet makes it much easier for people to be bullied and hurt. Some people cant  leave out of their house without worrying if some random mean person will snap a picture. Then hide behind their computer and post mean things about them. When i was growing up in the 80s and 90s it was harder.You would have that person to answer or deal with. Not everyone that was fat or not the nicest looking could or would be bullied. I have always been over weight but up until the 6th or 7th grade i fought  a lot. I had built a reputation for fighting anyone boys, girls whoever tried to "play" me what was really just hurtful fast forward to the Saturday after Christmas my kids got a gift certificate for the mall Im in the food court just got my kids some ice cream and i noticed some girl snap a picture of me it was so obvious she had her phone turned sideways when i seen it i walked over to see the screen on the phone she changed the screen quickly  second i went to the table with my kids and put my purse down took my key off my neck giving my kids the indication that something was about to go down i told them the the girl at the other table had snapped my picture i said it so loud she was fumbling in her phone to erase it next step i walk to the table with my oldest son following right behind the girl was short over weight and not so nice looking either see u never know who are posting these things i bet most times its someone who is unhappy with them selves being mean to others make them feel better about their miserable lives long story short she erased the picture after it was said and done i felt bad that i a grown women was ready to beat the breaks off this 20 something year old girl for me it was more of trying to prove a point and scare her into next time thinking it out before doing that type of hurtful thing you never know what someone is going through be kind spread love not hate

nextbook fire

New years resolution

Some may say why wait for the new year to make a change? I say why not new year new me I needed the whole year to figure out what really needs to happen in my life resolutions are not always lose weight and things of that nature it could be anything i know i have a lot that needs to change it took  4 years to realize that a relationship I'm in is poisonous and when i look in the mirror i don't recognize myself from all the damage i allowed this person to cause.This year the new me will walk away once and for all i need to learn to love me first so then i can recognize what real love looks like it shouldn't hurt like this but i dont ever remember feeling love except from my kids and especially as a kid my first step has been to space myself from that person to make it less painful we all know good or bad when love ends it hurts second step walk away no goodbye no talking just walking