How to love

How can you love,If you never learned how to love? Growing up i rarely heard the words i love you. i never felt loved as a child the strange thing is my grandfather treated me as if he loved me but it was fake just a manipulation to keep me from telling what he was doing to me he was one of many to hurt me as a child talk about screwed up and twisted  so how do u learn to love when the only time you thought someone loved you was not true and very harmful as a grown women  i still feel like that kid that seems to attract harmful love and unable to walk away from things that hurt me looking for the love i never got as a kid i could be in a relationship that i know is not good for me i may cry and hurt more then i feel joy in  the beginning it may seem ok but not good there would be clear signs that he was not what i needed or wanted in my life he could do hurtful things early so  i should walk away ......right ...to save myself the pain nope not me here i am 4 years later so damaged i don't even know who i am any more then i think to myself do i love me? if i truly did i would not allow myself to stay this long the mental abuse is so deep and has gone on for so long i started to believe the things he says its crazy because if he was to ever raise his hand to me i would leave i seen my mom get hit so for  me its much easier to decipher i have loved 3 times in my life my first love beat me it didn't last long  so much i need to relearn all part of changing my life learning how to love .....me that is till next time